Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
