if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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