Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
