Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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