I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
