he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
