If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
