Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
BRING THE BAGELS
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
