Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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