i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
