She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
