My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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