Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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