fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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