Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
