Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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