so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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