The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.