He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
