Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
