Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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