Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
