Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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