when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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