sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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