You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
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He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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