On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Small penises have feelings too.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize