you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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