the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
