My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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