Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
