when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
