Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
