we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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