you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
