When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize