I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
whose parrot is this?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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