Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
