My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
