he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
