If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's shark week go big or go home
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
