I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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