you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
