with your own penis?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
