The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this just has baby written all over it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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