The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
