He is like the real live version of the state fair..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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