I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All the doctor said was why
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
