he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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