we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
