i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
