I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
