Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
