please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
